Nomads on the Amstel
13. Wil and Ruud’s victim support
“Okay, shall we try it then?”
“I’m not sure. It all seems a bit risky to me. I mean, are we that desperate that we have to find friends on the Internet?”
“No of course not. We’ve got plenty of friends but I think this is quite exciting. It’s a sort of Pot-Luck; you dip your hand in the bag and you come up with a surprise.”
“I’m not sure I want to follow that analogy very far. Do we need to do this? We go to the bars; we’ve got our work friends and the family…”
“Oh for God’s sake Ruud, where’s your sense of adventure? Anyway, statistics prove that seventy five percent of people who advertise on the Net never go to the bars, or are on the scene in any way, so we stand a good chance of meeting new people.”
“And just where did you find that snippet of information then?”
“It was in the Gay Times.”
“Therefore it must be true! Oh well, I don’t suppose it can do any harm. It’s not very likely we’ll find too many people interested in a couple of geriatrics like us anyway.”
“Great, I knew you’d see it my way. Now, do we put in nude shots or not?”
”I thought we were after new friends. Do you want to put them off their dinners?”
”Well, you never know what spicy little encounters we might have. You’re not averse to a little wife-swapping.”
“That was once; years ago and if I recall, I wasn’t left with much choice in the matter.”
“You enjoyed it though.”
“Yes, okay, I admit it was fun but our bodies have definitely succumbed to gravity since.”
”Hey, we’re not looking for chickens. Anyway, look at these; some of these are older and if I do say it myself, definitely in a worse state of repair than we are.”
Ruud looked at the computer screen over Wil’s shoulder, as his friend surfed through photos of those brave enough to expose themselves to the cyber world.
“Is that…? Yes it is; it’s Paul. My God in Heaven, that photo must be fifteen years old! The lying toad! What on earth does he hope to gain from putting in an ancient photo? What happens when he meets somebody?”
“He probably doesn’t go through with it, thus adding to the list of time-wasters on the Net. Franck was telling me that there are so many fakers; it’s not worth the bother.”
“Or maybe he gets off from creating a sort of fantasy life for himself. I mean, you can say what you want can’t you? Most people won’t have a clue whether you’re telling the truth or not. My God will you look at her! How long do you think she’s been thirty eight?”
“Well, if that’s what you want to do, I’m not interested. I can’t see the point; it’s pathetic.”
”No, no, we’ll do it for real; ‘what you see is what you get,’ that sort of thing. I’d like to see if we can meet some new people, so we’ve got to tell the truth.”
“No nude pictures though, it gives the wrong impression.”
Wil turned and pulled a face.
“Look, you want to meet people, fine but let’s meet them first and then see what happens. There’s nothing wrong with keeping people guessing as far as personal details go.”
“Alright then, if you must, we’ll do it straight but if nothing comes of it after a week or so, I’m sticking some cock shots on!”
“Is that the phone? I’ll be back in a minute.”
Ruud ran down the stairs from the attic, which they’d converted into some sort of office, cursing the fact that they hadn’t had time to put a phone extension in. Meanwhile Wil busied himself with putting an advert on the Internet. It was a lot harder than he’d thought. The wording was crucial and frustrating. After a fourth draft, he was reasonably satisfied that they were promoting themselves as a decent, sociable couple, with just sufficient ambiguity to hint to their readers that they weren’t quite ready for their pipes and slippers just yet. He trawled through the photographs, picking out three or four that showed them both in what he thought was a flattering light and prepared them for scanning; trimming off bits here and there until he was happy. He picked out a nude photo from last summer at Zandvoort, which caught him in a particularly flattering light. He could vividly remember the reason why he looked so well endowed and flipped the photo back and forth between his fingers as he retreated into that particular daydream, when Ruud returned.
“Oh my God!”
“What? What is it? You look as though you’ve seen a ghost.”
“It was Jacco. He’s on his way round. You won’t believe what’s happened to him.”
Jacco sat facing his older friends, a cup of coffee in hand and wondered if he was doing the right thing.
“Okay, start from the beginning and tell us exactly what happened. It started that night you were out with us right?”
Slowly and hesitantly, Jacco told his story. He was tempted to leave out the most humiliating details but his parents were due home in a couple of days and he needed to tell someone, to talk about it, to offload the guilt somehow. Unfortunately, telling Wil and Ruud seemed just like confessing to his parents. They sat there, looking serious and concerned and he wasn’t surprised, just a little disappointed when the lecture came. Wil started.
“What did we tell you Jacco? You can’t trust anybody. You’re going to have to develop a sixth sense about people pretty damn quickly if you want to survive on the scene. Have you been to a doctor?”
Jacco looked at him miserably,
“No, I didn’t think it was necessary; he took precautions.”
”Oh, he took precautions did he? And that’s why you were bleeding, both internally and externally and have the scars to prove it eh? What are you thinking of? You even went back for more!”
“Go easy on him Wil, he’s had a rough time. You are going to have to be more careful though Jacco. Men like that can damage you for life, both physically and mentally.”
Ruud gave Jacco a comforting smile. But it did little to assuage the boy’s depression. There was no way he was going to tell them now of the secret pleasure he got from Arjan’s administrations, although that was what he really wanted to talk about. He needed to know if it was normal or even commonplace to get a kick out of humiliation. He wanted them to say it was okay, lots of people enjoyed a bit of pain, it was called masochism and there was nothing wrong with it.
“Go easy on him? Not likely! Listen Jacco, you’re only nineteen; if you’re getting into this sort of thing now, what will you be like when you’re our age? For Christ’s sake, have sex whenever and with whoever you like; try it out, learn what you like and don’t like but stay clear of the heavy stuff, it’ll break your soul.”
“Wil’s right you know. You need to fall in love with someone, lots of people in fact. See what it feels like to give yourself to someone body and soul; experience tenderness and heartbreak and gradually build up your experience until you know exactly what you want from gay life. People like Arjan are hard and bitter. They’ve long since abandoned their emotional side; they’re power junkies and they swallow kids like you and spit them out.”
Jacco bit his lip and struggled to control the urge to cry. He didn’t need this; it wasn’t why he’d come. He wasn’t stupid, he’d already told himself all the things they were saying but he wanted someone to tell him what to do next. The return of his parents would condemn him to a sort of imprisonment. He’d had some freedom and he wanted more because, however painful his experiences had been, he knew that he couldn’t go back to the sort of innocent cocoon that living at home provided. His life had substantially and irrevocably changed but he needed help and he needed it quickly.
“Look, I’m sorry alright. I didn’t take your advice and I got hurt but I’m almost over it now.”
“And that’s why you’re here right because you’re over it? You don’t look over it to me. Well, at least your parents are back soon; by definition, you’ll be able to get into less trouble then.”
At that moment, Jacco hated Wil and wished he could storm out and tell him to stuff it but he still felt they might be able to help him so he controlled his anger.
“Well, that’s the point you see. I can’t live at home any more; it’s stifling. I’ll never be able to have my own life. I was wondering if you knew of anywhere, a room to rent I mean, or a small flat, anything? I could start work in August. I’ve already decided not to go to college and while I was looking around for things to do, I got an offer of an apprenticeship with Steigers, the engineering firm. They told me they would train me on the job and it could lead to management and all the rest, so I’d have money, I’d be able to pay the rent. You’ve got to understand, I can’t live at home any more and I want a life.”
The two older men looked at each other; it was time to be careful what they said. Ruud got up and put his arm round Jacco’s shoulder, as if to reassure him that what he was about to say was meaningful and had to be listened to.
“You’re not thinking straight Jacco. Listen, please don’t rush into things and make decisions you’re going to regret. What’s wrong with living at home for a while longer? Okay, so you won’t be able to do exactly what you want but you will be able to go out; your mum and dad don’t need to know exactly where and think how much cheaper it’ll be.”
Wil chipped in.
“Giving up college isn’t a very good idea either young man. If you get extra qualifications, you’ll get a better job later: more money and more opportunities. I know you’re probably chafing at the bit. I know the gay world seems exciting but believe me, it’s not that great and it won’t go away. Make a future for yourself; take it slowly, it’ll pay off in the end. Shit, I sound like my grandfather. I’m sure it’s not what you want to hear but believe me it would be for the best.”
Jacco had suspected that was what they would say but it depressed him nevertheless and he rebelled against the logic.
“No, I’m leaving home. I don’t care what you say and I don’t care what my parents say. I’ve made up my mind. If you won’t help me, I’ll find someone who will. I know what I want to do and I’m going to do it.”
With that, he got up, grabbed his jacket and made for the door.
“Jacco, wait…”
It was too late, the door slammed and all three were left feeling helpless and certain that things should have been handled differently.
“Well, that didn’t go too well. Was I too hard on him? I just couldn’t bear to see him waltz off into the gay theme park and end up a glass washer in some poky bar or something.”
Ruud gave his disconsolate partner a peck on the forehead.
“No, you weren’t too hard. You’re worried that’s all. He may be nineteen but he’s still a kid. I felt exactly the same way and we said all the things we were supposed to say didn’t we?”
“If we were his mother and father yes but we aren’t. He came to us looking for sympathy and all we did was tell him what he already knew. Remind me never to entertain any more thoughts of adoption; I’d make a crap mother.”
Ruud stared out of the window.
“Although…having said that…there is something we could do to put it right.”
Puzzled, Wil looked at him, standing there with a hopeful expression on his face. Gradually, the penny dropped.
“Oh no, no, no, no! Are you mad? The responsibility! Christ, we’d have to talk to his parents. No way.”
“Well, I sort of feel responsible. I mean, we could keep an eye on him then; make sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble and anyway, it would be good to have someone young around, it might bring back your lost youth. We’ve got plenty of room. I mean we rattle around this place like two skeletons at times, plus the extra money would be a help.”
“Have you any idea what you’re proposing? No, this is ridiculous. You’re just getting broody that’s all. You’re bored with me and you want a new hobby, well this is definitely not the way to do it. Absolutely not, it’s the craziest idea you’ve had for years.”
Jacco’s reaction was predictable.
“You would? That’s fantastic; you’ve saved my life. When can I move in? I can’t tell you how grateful I am.”
The discussion with his parents was altogether much more painful for all concerned.
“Of course we knew. A mother always knows and just a short while ago, his brother more or less gave it away.”
Jacco cringed. He’d never forgive Johnny for that. He’d sworn he wouldn’t say anything after seeing him on the beach at Zandvoort but only after forcing the truth out of him bit by bit. Jacco had managed to pass Ruud and Wil off as people he didn’t know and just happened to be walking behind but Johnny had been like a terrier with a rat and had subjected Jacco to merciless interrogation until he’d given in and told him his secret.
“I won’t tell anyone I promise,” he’d smirked and Jacco had believed him, if only because his parents were impervious to Johnny’s attempts to land his younger brother in trouble; he’d been doing it since he was born. Clearly however, he’d let the cat out of the bag and his mother had been able to put two and two together.
“I didn’t know,” grumbled his father morosely. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
His mother shuffled uncomfortably in her seat.
“Well you know now and now we have a problem because he wants to leave home and live with these…people.”
She said the last word as if she wasn’t sure how to refer to Wil and Ruud but didn’t want to be impolite.
“Well that’s out of the question.”
It was a sort of half-hearted response because he wasn’t sure what he should say but his father felt that somehow, he should gain control of the situation.
“Don’t be silly Pieter. We can’t stop him if that’s what he wants to do; he’s nineteen and can make his own choices.”
Jacco was surprised but grateful at his mother’s pragmatic approach.
“What about college? What about money? What would you live off Jacco? If you leave home I don’t see why I should subsidise you like I do at the moment.”
His father was floundering. He wasn’t surprised that Jacco was gay, nor was he particularly upset by the news but he did feel a sense of impending loss; that his son might disappear out of his life and lose contact. Both he and Jacco’s mother were products of a more liberal generation and he was perfectly prepared to allow his son to live the life he chose, as long as he was happy but he couldn’t help feeling that he should react negatively; it was what fathers were supposed to do wasn’t it? At that point Ruud stepped in.
“Look Mr. Verhagen, I realise you don’t know us from Adam and for all you know, we might be dragging your son off into white slavery but we too have given this a lot of thought and we came to the conclusion that if Jacco is determined to leave home, he’ll do it, whatever you or we say.”
Jacco nodded vigorously.
“Now we don’t want him to miss out on any of the opportunities in life either. We have told him that a condition of his coming to live with us, is that he goes to college as planned, pays a small rent for his room, keeps respectable hours, behaves himself and keeps in regular touch with his family. You’re both welcome to come to our house and inspect the premises so to speak and of course, visit whenever you wish. You’ll have our phone number and if at any time, you have any concerns, you’re welcome to contact us. Frankly, we’d rather he stayed with us, where we can make sure he looks after himself, than end up in some grotty garret, living off snacks and junk food.”
“It’s not as if he’s a child either,” interrupted Wil, “He’s nineteen; he’s a man and can make his own decisions, whether you or we like them or not. At least, if he’s with us, you have a point of reference; you’ll know where he is and under what conditions he’s living. I’m sure this is hard for you and I’m sure you’d prefer he stayed at home for as long as possible but given the possibilities, I hope you agree that this is the next best thing?”
Jacco was pleased with the way things were going but felt a bit disgruntled that they were all talking about him as if he wasn’t there. Wil and Ruud were going a bit far too. If they thought they were going to be substitute parents, they had another think coming; he had no intention of jumping from the frying pan into the fire. The whole idea of this was to give himself the freedom he needed and they needn’t think they were going to lay down all sorts of rules and try to control him. The more he thought about it, the more agitated he became but he kept it under wraps. The first thing was to get away from home as painlessly as possible; he could deal with Wil and Ruud later. After all, he was a man and he was going to be paying rent; he’d obey their house rules but the rest of his life was his own. Maybe he was overreacting; maybe they were laying it on thick for his parents; he hoped so, he wanted Ruud and Wil to be his friends not his guardians.
Having escaped to the attic, Wil switched on the computer and waited the obligatory few minutes for everything to load up. They’d spent what seemed like hours discussing the impending arrival of their new lodger and he was fed up. He’d gone along with all the arrangements but as far as he was concerned, Ruud had taken the whole thing far too seriously. They’d put on a good act for the parents but for God’s sake, Jacco was nineteen and could do what he liked. His own memories of being nineteen were pretty rose-coloured. He remembered a permanent marijuana haze in the house, as his parents celebrated the early seventies. He remembered the love and peace movement and anti-war demos and the Provos along the street being evicted from their squat. Above all, he remembered his first boyfriend being welcomed at home and how they slept together and had sex, with only a wall separating them from his parents. He even recalled his own relative conservatism and how he’d insisted on going into further education despite his mum and dad urging him to hit the hippy trail and see the world but at least it was his choice and he was free to make that choice. Mainly, he knew he’d been light years more mature than Jacco was now. He sat back in his chair as the screen flickered and the hard disc chuntered away in the background.
‘Jesus, what has happened in society, that makes everyone of our age forget the huge strides forward in the sixties and seventies? People’s individual liberties have been reined in and constricted instead of being allowed to enjoy freedom to develop. Kids these days think they are freer than ever but it’s not true; the pressure to make money; to be successful, it’s choking them. When did it happen that everyone sacrificed freedom of spirit and the ability to be idealistic, in favour of pension schemes and shares and mortgages and having the latest gadget before the man next door? The state’s a fucking wet nurse and if people don’t conform, they’re condemned to a life on the fringes. People are threatened with some sort of non-existent ruinous bogeyman just to keep them in their places. Kids aren’t even allowed to go out to play in case they’re molested; shit, they’re even driven to school in people carriers. Big Brother is watching you! Christ, he’s got everyone by the balls!’
It was a familiar diatribe and one of Wil’s favourites but he thought he knew where the blame lay. Those who never enjoyed themselves in the hippy years when they could; never let themselves go, or weren’t allowed to; never smoked a joint, or took part in the sexual revolution; they were the ones in power across the world now. It was turning into a grey world run by men in grey suits. ‘God! Bring back the revolutionaries!’
“Are you up there?”
Ruud’s voice jolted him out of his reverie.
“Yes, of course I am, where else would I be?”
“I only asked. Listen; do you know where the extra duvet covers are? I can’t find them and I want to wash them before Jacco arrives.”
Wil groaned. He’d had enough. It was as if they were doing up a nursery for the arrival of a new baby. He wondered if there was something in that thought. Maybe Ruud was looking forward to playing the father figure rather too much.
“Will you shut up about Jacco just for a minute and come up here? We’ve got a couple of replies to our ad.”
Ruud made his way wearily up the stairs. All he could think about was having everything ready for Jacco’s arrival. Above all, he felt a heavy sense of responsibility for Jacco’s well being. They’d made all sorts of promises to his parents and he had every intention of keeping them. After all, the poor boy had been through so much recently and given that he was determined to leave home, Ruud was determined to provide a safe haven and a place where he could get the guidance he needed, at least in gay matters. He was surprised at how much he was looking forward to this. It wasn’t that he was dissatisfied with their life as it was but a new face in the house, with new ideas and topics of conversation might be fun.
“You realise all this’ll have to stop when Jacco arrives?”
Wil looked at him disbelievingly.
“Like fuck it will! I’m not changing my life just because we’re getting a boarder. Now look Ruud, I know you want to play the responsible guardian angel and all that but if it’s going to put restrictions on our lives, I’m going to put a stop to it right now. Why should we do things differently? It’d just be living a lie. As far as I’m concerned, Jacco is welcome here but you have to accept that he’s got his own life to lead and so have we. He’ll never grow up if you mollycoddle him and wrap him in cotton wool in a sort of gay utopia. Life’s shitty and he’s got to see that and work things out for himself. We’re here to help, if he needs it but otherwise he’s on his own. Now, are you going to take a look at these or not? For fuck’s sake man, take off your apron and listen to your cock for once.”
Ruud bit his tongue and controlled his irritation. This was a fight that could be won in other ways. He realised that he may have been a tad over-concerned about domestic details recently but he was convinced that when Jacco arrived, Wil wouldn’t be able to stop himself being paternal. That was still a few days away, plenty of time to work on a recalcitrant Wil. He glanced at the screen and was temporarily distracted by the good-looking man staring out at him.
“Not bad eh? I’m going to e-mail him right now. Maybe we can set up a date for tonight.”
“Hmm, perhaps. What does he mean, ‘the nude shot looks promising’?
“Okay, shall we try it then?”
“I’m not sure. It all seems a bit risky to me. I mean, are we that desperate that we have to find friends on the Internet?”
“No of course not. We’ve got plenty of friends but I think this is quite exciting. It’s a sort of Pot-Luck; you dip your hand in the bag and you come up with a surprise.”
“I’m not sure I want to follow that analogy very far. Do we need to do this? We go to the bars; we’ve got our work friends and the family…”
“Oh for God’s sake Ruud, where’s your sense of adventure? Anyway, statistics prove that seventy five percent of people who advertise on the Net never go to the bars, or are on the scene in any way, so we stand a good chance of meeting new people.”
“And just where did you find that snippet of information then?”
“It was in the Gay Times.”
“Therefore it must be true! Oh well, I don’t suppose it can do any harm. It’s not very likely we’ll find too many people interested in a couple of geriatrics like us anyway.”
“Great, I knew you’d see it my way. Now, do we put in nude shots or not?”
”I thought we were after new friends. Do you want to put them off their dinners?”
”Well, you never know what spicy little encounters we might have. You’re not averse to a little wife-swapping.”
“That was once; years ago and if I recall, I wasn’t left with much choice in the matter.”
“You enjoyed it though.”
“Yes, okay, I admit it was fun but our bodies have definitely succumbed to gravity since.”
”Hey, we’re not looking for chickens. Anyway, look at these; some of these are older and if I do say it myself, definitely in a worse state of repair than we are.”
Ruud looked at the computer screen over Wil’s shoulder, as his friend surfed through photos of those brave enough to expose themselves to the cyber world.
“Is that…? Yes it is; it’s Paul. My God in Heaven, that photo must be fifteen years old! The lying toad! What on earth does he hope to gain from putting in an ancient photo? What happens when he meets somebody?”
“He probably doesn’t go through with it, thus adding to the list of time-wasters on the Net. Franck was telling me that there are so many fakers; it’s not worth the bother.”
“Or maybe he gets off from creating a sort of fantasy life for himself. I mean, you can say what you want can’t you? Most people won’t have a clue whether you’re telling the truth or not. My God will you look at her! How long do you think she’s been thirty eight?”
“Well, if that’s what you want to do, I’m not interested. I can’t see the point; it’s pathetic.”
”No, no, we’ll do it for real; ‘what you see is what you get,’ that sort of thing. I’d like to see if we can meet some new people, so we’ve got to tell the truth.”
“No nude pictures though, it gives the wrong impression.”
Wil turned and pulled a face.
“Look, you want to meet people, fine but let’s meet them first and then see what happens. There’s nothing wrong with keeping people guessing as far as personal details go.”
“Alright then, if you must, we’ll do it straight but if nothing comes of it after a week or so, I’m sticking some cock shots on!”
“Is that the phone? I’ll be back in a minute.”
Ruud ran down the stairs from the attic, which they’d converted into some sort of office, cursing the fact that they hadn’t had time to put a phone extension in. Meanwhile Wil busied himself with putting an advert on the Internet. It was a lot harder than he’d thought. The wording was crucial and frustrating. After a fourth draft, he was reasonably satisfied that they were promoting themselves as a decent, sociable couple, with just sufficient ambiguity to hint to their readers that they weren’t quite ready for their pipes and slippers just yet. He trawled through the photographs, picking out three or four that showed them both in what he thought was a flattering light and prepared them for scanning; trimming off bits here and there until he was happy. He picked out a nude photo from last summer at Zandvoort, which caught him in a particularly flattering light. He could vividly remember the reason why he looked so well endowed and flipped the photo back and forth between his fingers as he retreated into that particular daydream, when Ruud returned.
“Oh my God!”
“What? What is it? You look as though you’ve seen a ghost.”
“It was Jacco. He’s on his way round. You won’t believe what’s happened to him.”
Jacco sat facing his older friends, a cup of coffee in hand and wondered if he was doing the right thing.
“Okay, start from the beginning and tell us exactly what happened. It started that night you were out with us right?”
Slowly and hesitantly, Jacco told his story. He was tempted to leave out the most humiliating details but his parents were due home in a couple of days and he needed to tell someone, to talk about it, to offload the guilt somehow. Unfortunately, telling Wil and Ruud seemed just like confessing to his parents. They sat there, looking serious and concerned and he wasn’t surprised, just a little disappointed when the lecture came. Wil started.
“What did we tell you Jacco? You can’t trust anybody. You’re going to have to develop a sixth sense about people pretty damn quickly if you want to survive on the scene. Have you been to a doctor?”
Jacco looked at him miserably,
“No, I didn’t think it was necessary; he took precautions.”
”Oh, he took precautions did he? And that’s why you were bleeding, both internally and externally and have the scars to prove it eh? What are you thinking of? You even went back for more!”
“Go easy on him Wil, he’s had a rough time. You are going to have to be more careful though Jacco. Men like that can damage you for life, both physically and mentally.”
Ruud gave Jacco a comforting smile. But it did little to assuage the boy’s depression. There was no way he was going to tell them now of the secret pleasure he got from Arjan’s administrations, although that was what he really wanted to talk about. He needed to know if it was normal or even commonplace to get a kick out of humiliation. He wanted them to say it was okay, lots of people enjoyed a bit of pain, it was called masochism and there was nothing wrong with it.
“Go easy on him? Not likely! Listen Jacco, you’re only nineteen; if you’re getting into this sort of thing now, what will you be like when you’re our age? For Christ’s sake, have sex whenever and with whoever you like; try it out, learn what you like and don’t like but stay clear of the heavy stuff, it’ll break your soul.”
“Wil’s right you know. You need to fall in love with someone, lots of people in fact. See what it feels like to give yourself to someone body and soul; experience tenderness and heartbreak and gradually build up your experience until you know exactly what you want from gay life. People like Arjan are hard and bitter. They’ve long since abandoned their emotional side; they’re power junkies and they swallow kids like you and spit them out.”
Jacco bit his lip and struggled to control the urge to cry. He didn’t need this; it wasn’t why he’d come. He wasn’t stupid, he’d already told himself all the things they were saying but he wanted someone to tell him what to do next. The return of his parents would condemn him to a sort of imprisonment. He’d had some freedom and he wanted more because, however painful his experiences had been, he knew that he couldn’t go back to the sort of innocent cocoon that living at home provided. His life had substantially and irrevocably changed but he needed help and he needed it quickly.
“Look, I’m sorry alright. I didn’t take your advice and I got hurt but I’m almost over it now.”
“And that’s why you’re here right because you’re over it? You don’t look over it to me. Well, at least your parents are back soon; by definition, you’ll be able to get into less trouble then.”
At that moment, Jacco hated Wil and wished he could storm out and tell him to stuff it but he still felt they might be able to help him so he controlled his anger.
“Well, that’s the point you see. I can’t live at home any more; it’s stifling. I’ll never be able to have my own life. I was wondering if you knew of anywhere, a room to rent I mean, or a small flat, anything? I could start work in August. I’ve already decided not to go to college and while I was looking around for things to do, I got an offer of an apprenticeship with Steigers, the engineering firm. They told me they would train me on the job and it could lead to management and all the rest, so I’d have money, I’d be able to pay the rent. You’ve got to understand, I can’t live at home any more and I want a life.”
The two older men looked at each other; it was time to be careful what they said. Ruud got up and put his arm round Jacco’s shoulder, as if to reassure him that what he was about to say was meaningful and had to be listened to.
“You’re not thinking straight Jacco. Listen, please don’t rush into things and make decisions you’re going to regret. What’s wrong with living at home for a while longer? Okay, so you won’t be able to do exactly what you want but you will be able to go out; your mum and dad don’t need to know exactly where and think how much cheaper it’ll be.”
Wil chipped in.
“Giving up college isn’t a very good idea either young man. If you get extra qualifications, you’ll get a better job later: more money and more opportunities. I know you’re probably chafing at the bit. I know the gay world seems exciting but believe me, it’s not that great and it won’t go away. Make a future for yourself; take it slowly, it’ll pay off in the end. Shit, I sound like my grandfather. I’m sure it’s not what you want to hear but believe me it would be for the best.”
Jacco had suspected that was what they would say but it depressed him nevertheless and he rebelled against the logic.
“No, I’m leaving home. I don’t care what you say and I don’t care what my parents say. I’ve made up my mind. If you won’t help me, I’ll find someone who will. I know what I want to do and I’m going to do it.”
With that, he got up, grabbed his jacket and made for the door.
“Jacco, wait…”
It was too late, the door slammed and all three were left feeling helpless and certain that things should have been handled differently.
“Well, that didn’t go too well. Was I too hard on him? I just couldn’t bear to see him waltz off into the gay theme park and end up a glass washer in some poky bar or something.”
Ruud gave his disconsolate partner a peck on the forehead.
“No, you weren’t too hard. You’re worried that’s all. He may be nineteen but he’s still a kid. I felt exactly the same way and we said all the things we were supposed to say didn’t we?”
“If we were his mother and father yes but we aren’t. He came to us looking for sympathy and all we did was tell him what he already knew. Remind me never to entertain any more thoughts of adoption; I’d make a crap mother.”
Ruud stared out of the window.
“Although…having said that…there is something we could do to put it right.”
Puzzled, Wil looked at him, standing there with a hopeful expression on his face. Gradually, the penny dropped.
“Oh no, no, no, no! Are you mad? The responsibility! Christ, we’d have to talk to his parents. No way.”
“Well, I sort of feel responsible. I mean, we could keep an eye on him then; make sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble and anyway, it would be good to have someone young around, it might bring back your lost youth. We’ve got plenty of room. I mean we rattle around this place like two skeletons at times, plus the extra money would be a help.”
“Have you any idea what you’re proposing? No, this is ridiculous. You’re just getting broody that’s all. You’re bored with me and you want a new hobby, well this is definitely not the way to do it. Absolutely not, it’s the craziest idea you’ve had for years.”
Jacco’s reaction was predictable.
“You would? That’s fantastic; you’ve saved my life. When can I move in? I can’t tell you how grateful I am.”
The discussion with his parents was altogether much more painful for all concerned.
“Of course we knew. A mother always knows and just a short while ago, his brother more or less gave it away.”
Jacco cringed. He’d never forgive Johnny for that. He’d sworn he wouldn’t say anything after seeing him on the beach at Zandvoort but only after forcing the truth out of him bit by bit. Jacco had managed to pass Ruud and Wil off as people he didn’t know and just happened to be walking behind but Johnny had been like a terrier with a rat and had subjected Jacco to merciless interrogation until he’d given in and told him his secret.
“I won’t tell anyone I promise,” he’d smirked and Jacco had believed him, if only because his parents were impervious to Johnny’s attempts to land his younger brother in trouble; he’d been doing it since he was born. Clearly however, he’d let the cat out of the bag and his mother had been able to put two and two together.
“I didn’t know,” grumbled his father morosely. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
His mother shuffled uncomfortably in her seat.
“Well you know now and now we have a problem because he wants to leave home and live with these…people.”
She said the last word as if she wasn’t sure how to refer to Wil and Ruud but didn’t want to be impolite.
“Well that’s out of the question.”
It was a sort of half-hearted response because he wasn’t sure what he should say but his father felt that somehow, he should gain control of the situation.
“Don’t be silly Pieter. We can’t stop him if that’s what he wants to do; he’s nineteen and can make his own choices.”
Jacco was surprised but grateful at his mother’s pragmatic approach.
“What about college? What about money? What would you live off Jacco? If you leave home I don’t see why I should subsidise you like I do at the moment.”
His father was floundering. He wasn’t surprised that Jacco was gay, nor was he particularly upset by the news but he did feel a sense of impending loss; that his son might disappear out of his life and lose contact. Both he and Jacco’s mother were products of a more liberal generation and he was perfectly prepared to allow his son to live the life he chose, as long as he was happy but he couldn’t help feeling that he should react negatively; it was what fathers were supposed to do wasn’t it? At that point Ruud stepped in.
“Look Mr. Verhagen, I realise you don’t know us from Adam and for all you know, we might be dragging your son off into white slavery but we too have given this a lot of thought and we came to the conclusion that if Jacco is determined to leave home, he’ll do it, whatever you or we say.”
Jacco nodded vigorously.
“Now we don’t want him to miss out on any of the opportunities in life either. We have told him that a condition of his coming to live with us, is that he goes to college as planned, pays a small rent for his room, keeps respectable hours, behaves himself and keeps in regular touch with his family. You’re both welcome to come to our house and inspect the premises so to speak and of course, visit whenever you wish. You’ll have our phone number and if at any time, you have any concerns, you’re welcome to contact us. Frankly, we’d rather he stayed with us, where we can make sure he looks after himself, than end up in some grotty garret, living off snacks and junk food.”
“It’s not as if he’s a child either,” interrupted Wil, “He’s nineteen; he’s a man and can make his own decisions, whether you or we like them or not. At least, if he’s with us, you have a point of reference; you’ll know where he is and under what conditions he’s living. I’m sure this is hard for you and I’m sure you’d prefer he stayed at home for as long as possible but given the possibilities, I hope you agree that this is the next best thing?”
Jacco was pleased with the way things were going but felt a bit disgruntled that they were all talking about him as if he wasn’t there. Wil and Ruud were going a bit far too. If they thought they were going to be substitute parents, they had another think coming; he had no intention of jumping from the frying pan into the fire. The whole idea of this was to give himself the freedom he needed and they needn’t think they were going to lay down all sorts of rules and try to control him. The more he thought about it, the more agitated he became but he kept it under wraps. The first thing was to get away from home as painlessly as possible; he could deal with Wil and Ruud later. After all, he was a man and he was going to be paying rent; he’d obey their house rules but the rest of his life was his own. Maybe he was overreacting; maybe they were laying it on thick for his parents; he hoped so, he wanted Ruud and Wil to be his friends not his guardians.
Having escaped to the attic, Wil switched on the computer and waited the obligatory few minutes for everything to load up. They’d spent what seemed like hours discussing the impending arrival of their new lodger and he was fed up. He’d gone along with all the arrangements but as far as he was concerned, Ruud had taken the whole thing far too seriously. They’d put on a good act for the parents but for God’s sake, Jacco was nineteen and could do what he liked. His own memories of being nineteen were pretty rose-coloured. He remembered a permanent marijuana haze in the house, as his parents celebrated the early seventies. He remembered the love and peace movement and anti-war demos and the Provos along the street being evicted from their squat. Above all, he remembered his first boyfriend being welcomed at home and how they slept together and had sex, with only a wall separating them from his parents. He even recalled his own relative conservatism and how he’d insisted on going into further education despite his mum and dad urging him to hit the hippy trail and see the world but at least it was his choice and he was free to make that choice. Mainly, he knew he’d been light years more mature than Jacco was now. He sat back in his chair as the screen flickered and the hard disc chuntered away in the background.
‘Jesus, what has happened in society, that makes everyone of our age forget the huge strides forward in the sixties and seventies? People’s individual liberties have been reined in and constricted instead of being allowed to enjoy freedom to develop. Kids these days think they are freer than ever but it’s not true; the pressure to make money; to be successful, it’s choking them. When did it happen that everyone sacrificed freedom of spirit and the ability to be idealistic, in favour of pension schemes and shares and mortgages and having the latest gadget before the man next door? The state’s a fucking wet nurse and if people don’t conform, they’re condemned to a life on the fringes. People are threatened with some sort of non-existent ruinous bogeyman just to keep them in their places. Kids aren’t even allowed to go out to play in case they’re molested; shit, they’re even driven to school in people carriers. Big Brother is watching you! Christ, he’s got everyone by the balls!’
It was a familiar diatribe and one of Wil’s favourites but he thought he knew where the blame lay. Those who never enjoyed themselves in the hippy years when they could; never let themselves go, or weren’t allowed to; never smoked a joint, or took part in the sexual revolution; they were the ones in power across the world now. It was turning into a grey world run by men in grey suits. ‘God! Bring back the revolutionaries!’
“Are you up there?”
Ruud’s voice jolted him out of his reverie.
“Yes, of course I am, where else would I be?”
“I only asked. Listen; do you know where the extra duvet covers are? I can’t find them and I want to wash them before Jacco arrives.”
Wil groaned. He’d had enough. It was as if they were doing up a nursery for the arrival of a new baby. He wondered if there was something in that thought. Maybe Ruud was looking forward to playing the father figure rather too much.
“Will you shut up about Jacco just for a minute and come up here? We’ve got a couple of replies to our ad.”
Ruud made his way wearily up the stairs. All he could think about was having everything ready for Jacco’s arrival. Above all, he felt a heavy sense of responsibility for Jacco’s well being. They’d made all sorts of promises to his parents and he had every intention of keeping them. After all, the poor boy had been through so much recently and given that he was determined to leave home, Ruud was determined to provide a safe haven and a place where he could get the guidance he needed, at least in gay matters. He was surprised at how much he was looking forward to this. It wasn’t that he was dissatisfied with their life as it was but a new face in the house, with new ideas and topics of conversation might be fun.
“You realise all this’ll have to stop when Jacco arrives?”
Wil looked at him disbelievingly.
“Like fuck it will! I’m not changing my life just because we’re getting a boarder. Now look Ruud, I know you want to play the responsible guardian angel and all that but if it’s going to put restrictions on our lives, I’m going to put a stop to it right now. Why should we do things differently? It’d just be living a lie. As far as I’m concerned, Jacco is welcome here but you have to accept that he’s got his own life to lead and so have we. He’ll never grow up if you mollycoddle him and wrap him in cotton wool in a sort of gay utopia. Life’s shitty and he’s got to see that and work things out for himself. We’re here to help, if he needs it but otherwise he’s on his own. Now, are you going to take a look at these or not? For fuck’s sake man, take off your apron and listen to your cock for once.”
Ruud bit his tongue and controlled his irritation. This was a fight that could be won in other ways. He realised that he may have been a tad over-concerned about domestic details recently but he was convinced that when Jacco arrived, Wil wouldn’t be able to stop himself being paternal. That was still a few days away, plenty of time to work on a recalcitrant Wil. He glanced at the screen and was temporarily distracted by the good-looking man staring out at him.
“Not bad eh? I’m going to e-mail him right now. Maybe we can set up a date for tonight.”
“Hmm, perhaps. What does he mean, ‘the nude shot looks promising’?
14. John and Guus join the gym
Guus stared, glassy-eyed at the plate his wife had placed on the table.
“Annie, I think I’m going on a diet.”
“What! Don’t talk such nonsense, you’re fine the way you are, a healthy, strapping man…wait a minute, are you trying say something about my cooking? Because if this is your mealy-mouthed way of criticising the fact that I’ve spent a long time in the kitchen, preparing you a wholesome meal, when I could have been doing something I liked doing, then I’ll throw it straight in the bin and you can prepare your own bloody food in future.”
She looked closer at Guus’ rueful expression.
“It is isn’t it? I know you take me for granted but this is a bit selfish even for you. If you think for one minute I’m going to put up with this sort of ingratitude…”
Guus picked up his knife and fork and started eating. He enjoyed his food, he really did and he enjoyed Annie’s no-frills cuisine as well but he was just getting so fat and no amount of sucking in and flexing could hide the fact. There was no alternative, he had to go on a diet and he had to start exercising. Principally, he’d been shocked to find that he could barely get into the new clothes he’d bought what seemed just a few weeks ago. There was another meeting coming up and unless he could wear the new outfit John had helped him select, well, he just couldn’t go and that was that.
Annie was still complaining on the fringes of his thoughts. He should have waited; the timing was all wrong. He’d wait till she’d calmed down and then use his trump card.
Later that evening, slumped in front of the TV, he interrupted her favourite Soap.
“I went to the doctor today.”
He paused, not sure whether he’d got her attention.
“Did you hear me? I went to the doctor.”
“Oh yes, what for?”
She was still glued to the screen.
“He thinks I may have heart problems.”
It was a blatant lie but he figured he was a candidate for heart trouble sooner or later and it was a great excuse.
“Oh Guus, is it serious?”
He had her full attention now.
“Well, it could be…unless I do something about it.”
“Why, what have you got to do?”
“Well, for a start, I’ve got to take more exercise; not just the odd walk here and there; proper exercise, you know…a gym maybe.”
“What did he say then? What’s wrong with you?”
“Oh, you know, there’s a murmur...”
Guus wasn’t sure about the details but he’d heard people talking about heart murmurs.
“…And I get palpitations.”
‘Don’t go too far,’ he warned himself, ‘you’ll get caught out.’
“That’s why I have to go on a diet as well. It’s got nothing to do with your cooking or the fact that I’m ungrateful. It’s purely on health grounds. I love your cooking, you know I do.”
”Oh my God, why didn’t you say? I feel awful now. Have you got a diet sheet then? What sort of diet has it got to be? If you give me the list, then I’ll make sure you stick to it. Maybe I should go on one too, it might do me good as well.”
Guus hadn’t got as far as thinking about what sort of diet he should have. He had to tread carefully now.
“Uhm, I’ve got to call in tomorrow and sort out the details.”
That would give him enough time to ring John and get some advice on a good dietary plan.
“Okay, you do that then and we’ll sit down with it together and work it all out.”
She stroked the back of his hand and looked concerned.
Guus loved Annie; he really did, especially when she was caring and gentle like she was now. He sat back in the chair; pleased to have manoeuvred things the way he wanted. Now the only problem was whether he could stick to the regime he’d created for himself. He’d find it difficult to back out now; especially with ‘heart problems’.
“Well it’s not a bad idea and it probably would help prevent heart trouble, so you weren’t really lying. Good for you.”
Guus had rung John at work.
“Yes but the trouble is, I have to do it now, I can’t back out. It all seemed such a good idea at the time but now I’m worried I won’t be able to see it through.”
“Guus, you want to look your best when you’re dressed up don’t you? Well, as far as I can see, you’ve got no alternative. I’ll help if I can.”
“Ah yes, well that was what I was going to ask you. Two things actually: do you know of a good diet, one I can have on paper, one that looks official?”
”Give me a little time and I’m sure I can come up with something from the Internet; shouldn’t be a problem, then I’ll print it out for you. What was the other thing?”
”Uhm, I was wondering if you would come to a fitness centre with me? I’m scared stiff of going on my own; all those super fit people, I’ll just get laughed at.”
“That’s ridiculous. What do you think gyms are for? Everybody has to start somewhere. Actually, I quite like the idea. I could do with losing some weight as well. Do you want me to find one that looks suitable for a couple of well-rounded gents such as ourselves?”
“Could you? That would be great and the sooner the better. I can’t tell you how…”
“Hold on a second Guus, I’ve got some customers…I’ll ring you back okay? This might take a while.”
Guus finished filling in the order form for new gaskets from the stores and looked at his list to see what he had to do next. He was happy enough in his work. It didn’t matter to him that he was only a purchaser for a small engineering firm, which belonged to a Dutch consortium that was, in turn, part of a large multinational. He’d had this job for over ten years now; the pay was reasonable, the hours were regular and the position was more or less permanent. He had never been particularly ambitious in the workplace and as long as he and Annie were provided for, he couldn’t see any reason to chase promotions, with all the stress and added work that entailed. In a few weeks, he was due to get an assistant; a fairly regular occurrence as the firm believed in giving potential new managers shop floor experience in as many departments as possible. The kid wouldn’t be there for long but he usually enjoyed the company and the extra help. He got up from his chair, using both arms for leverage and groaning at the cold, sticky sweatiness caused by sitting there for too long. There was no doubt that hot, summer days were a curse for the overweight.
Reaching for his flask and sandwich box on the top of the filing cabinet, he poured himself some coffee, already carefully milked and sugared and perched on the edge of the desk. He could always go to the canteen but it was two floors down and he’d always found it much more convenient to bring a mid-morning snack from home. He never lacked human contact; people were always popping in and out of his room to place or check on orders and more than once, he fantasised that he was at the centre of operations; after all, every department needed equipment of one sort or another and there wasn’t a screw or pipe that Guus wasn’t able to discuss at length. After the familiar mid-morning rumbling in his stomach, he opened his sandwich box to see what Annie had slipped in as a surprise today. He should have known Annie would have taken him seriously; there were two half sandwiches, filled with tuna and lettuce and an apple but no cake, no biscuits, no bar of chocolate. He was certain she had only put half the normal amount of sugar in his coffee as well. Shit, it was reality then! He’d dug his own grave and he’d better be prepared to lie in it. Still, until John came up with a proper diet plan, he couldn’t really be expected to start cutting back and opening the top drawer of the filing cabinet, he found the chocolate biscuits he reserved for clients and guiltily began to peel off the protective wrappings. It was as well the phone rang, or he would have finished the whole packet.
“So here we are then. Are you ready for this?”
Guus was extremely nervous. John had found what seemed to be a fairly discreet looking fitness centre in Amsterdam West; not too trendy and not too expensive, at least compared to some. Guus had been shocked at the prices but Annie had persuaded him that some sacrifices had to be made; his health was far too important to be penny-pinching.
“Oh god, what have I done?” he moaned miserably but John gave him a hearty shove and in they went. Guus’ nerves were hardly calmed when a young coloured man in vest and jogging pants approached them. To say he was muscular was understating the case, the guy was what Guus judged to be the perfect physical specimen and he felt completely intimidated.
“Hi, what can I do for you guys?”
Guus was sure his balls were retreating into their cavities as the man stood next to him. He smelled strongly of soap and cleanliness and rude health and Guus, feeling the heat of his body in close proximity, broke out into a distinctly unhygienic sweat. Fortunately, John took control of proceedings.
“Hi, I rang to arrange some sessions for me and my friend here but we’re complete beginners at this and could use a little help if that’s possible?”
“Sure, of course. That’s what we’re here for. My name is Simon and I’m the manager but you’ll also see Jack and Ilsa occasionally if I’m not around. I remember now, you’re the Canadian guy right? Okay, let’s start by sorting out the fees and then I’ll show you around and explain what the equipment does and what facilities we have.”
Guus couldn’t help admiring the way John seemed completely unfazed by the whole thing but then again, he was in considerably better condition and would have to work far less hard in order to look good. Feeling not unlike a schoolboy and more and more self-conscious, he followed the other two into the office and then into the gym itself. The very smell of the place made him shudder. If John hadn’t been there, he knew he would have made a quick get away long before now. Fortunately, there were only a few other people working out and he was relieved to see a much older man than himself struggling with some gargantuan exercise machine. At least the customers weren’t all twenty-somethings with unattainable physiques.
“Okay guys, this is the main gym. You can see all the equipment we have. I’ll explain how everything works later. We also have a sauna and showers beyond those glass doors over there and a relaxation area with a juice bar through there. Now, I should explain, we don’t just let you loose on the equipment; that would be a waste of your time and ours. First we ascertain your present level of fitness and then we design a programme to fit your needs. We don’t make judgements and we don’t pass comment. What you do and how often you come is up to you but of course, we’re here to give advice if you need it and to monitor your progress of course. Now I reckon both of you have different needs, so if you’ll come over here, we’ll start by finding out exactly how unfit you are at the moment and work from there. One thing I can say though; it’s true what they say, there’s no gain without pain but if you’ve got the will, we’ve got the way; sounds corny I know but it’s true.”
An hour or so later, the two friends sat exhausted outside a local bar both clutching mineral waters and sweating profusely.
“Well, what did you think?”
“Oh God, I’m dead, I’ve never been so tired in my life and I don’t think I’ll be able to move tomorrow.”
“It’s worth it though don’t you think? I feel knackered as well but it’s a good sort of tiredness; at least I’m tired for a reason.”
“Yeah well, you were a hundred times fitter than me to start with. I don’t think Simon has ever seen such a hopeless case as me, though he was very tactful about it.”
“Rubbish, he said he doesn’t pass judgement and I believe him. I think you’re a challenge for him. I liked him a lot; I thought he was really helpful. Anyway, you’ve got to take it slowly, you heard what he said, Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
“Yeah, I think he takes a book of clichés to bed with him every night. No, I liked him too, I think. It certainly wasn’t as bad as I’d feared.”
“Okay, twice a week to begin with then? Nice and steady.”
Guus groaned,
“Oh well, if I must, I must. I just want to wake up in six months, fifteen kilos lighter and with muscles. By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you; have you done anything yet about…you know what?”
“What? What do you mean?”
“You know…your secret desires…that?”
John blushed and unusually for him, became sheepish.
“Uh, no. I’m not sure I’m going to either. It was all a bit silly really.”
“You’re blushing and mumbling. Come on I know you, spill the beans. You’ve been thinking about it haven’t you?”
“I wish I’d never told you now. Yes, I suppose it has crossed my mind anyway, you’re unusually interested for someone who supposedly finds it disgusting.”
”Don’t try and shift the conversation onto me, you know how I feel about it personally, for myself I mean. I just think it’s about time you went and did something about it.”
“You old perv! You just want to hear the gory details afterwards.”
“Not at all, I’m just interested that’s all, nothing more and watching you struggling with yourself like this is the nearest I ever want to get to the subject.”
”And you think dressing up in women’s clothes doesn’t bring you near to the subject?”
”That’s a cheap shot John and you know it. You know the two aren’t connected. Okay if you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine, I won’t ask again.”
”I’m sorry, it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, it’s just that there’s other stuff going on at the moment and that’s the last thing on my mind.”
Guus couldn’t help being curious.
“Other stuff…?”
Yes, Sally and I have decided to live apart for a while.”
“Oh? And when did this happen? I mean I know things weren’t good between you but this all sounds a bit final.”
”I would have told you but I wasn’t sure that it was actually going to happen until yesterday. She’s moving in with a friend in The Hague; it’ll be a lot nearer her work.”
“I’m sorry, I really am but I suspected something like this was coming, from what you’ve been saying recently. Has this got anything to do with you wanting to…you know?”
“No, nothing at all. Don’t give me looks like that…really! I just don’t think we’re compatible any more. Actually, you’re partly to blame.”
“Me! What have I done?”
“Well, you know those clothes of yours? I didn’t try to hide them, I mean she knows what I do but she came across them and asked whose they were. I said they were a friend’s but I didn’t mention you by name don’t worry. As usual, she said something like, ‘Oh that’s nice, that you can help someone out like that.’ Well, I just flipped and accused her of being a doormat and a masochist and getting kicks out of being the world’s most understanding woman and it sort of deteriorated from there. I’m glad, really I am. All of a sudden, I have this burning urge to be my own man and to live my own life again. I want to be independent. I know it sounds selfish and cruel and perhaps it is but I’m really pleased it’s happened.”
“Oh.”
There was little else Guus could say but he felt worried for his friend, worried that all this was just so much bluster and that after a few days he’d greatly regret having burned his bridges like this.
“You know you’re welcome to come to Annie and me if you need us. You know that don’t you? If you need a meal, or just some company…”
“Yes, I know that and I’m grateful for the offer but I’m a big boy now Guus; I think I can manage on my own.”
Guus took the slight rebuke a little too personally.
“I only meant…. God, you know what I meant. I didn’t mean to interfere in your life. I’m just concerned for a friend that’s all. I’m sorry about the personal questions too. I don’t want to pry.”
He suddenly began to feel foolish and exposed, the way you do when you feel you’ve accidentally overstepped the mark with someone and it was his turn to blush.
“ I think I’ll go now. Annie will be expecting me anyway and there’s a tram due in a minute.”
“Hold on Guus, don’t go off in a huff, I wasn’t offended, really… don’t you want a lift?”
It was too late; Guus strode off hurriedly, trying to keep his dignity intact while John sat back, somewhat shaken, thinking that however masculine and straight-acting two men were, a close friendship was a fragile thing and so easily disrupted by unguarded words.
If it’s true that men find it hard to express their feelings to other men then John and Guus gave further evidence to the theory. Two weeks and three visits to the gym later, neither had mentioned the misunderstanding to the other, though both had been hurt by it and both remained guarded in their conversation. It was as if nothing had happened, yet suddenly there was a tiny crack in the basis of their friendship that threatened to become a canyon should one or the other say the wrong thing. Maybe it was because he was North American and could relate to his feelings more easily, or maybe it was because he felt that he’d been in the wrong but John decided to put an end to the tension. He had realised how much he valued Guus’ friendship and wanted to restore the easiness between them both as quickly as possible. He took his chance early one evening as they were sitting at the juice bar in the gym.
“I don’t know whether you want to know this or not but I’ve taken your advice and done it.”
Guus wasn’t going to let him off the hook quite so easily plus the fact that he was mortally afraid of misinterpreting things again.
“Done what?”
He thought he knew but his confidence had been shaken by their near argument. If the truth were known, he’d never been able to talk to another man the way he talked to John. With previous friends he’d never discussed the sort of personal details that came out in their conversations, or felt as close to another man. He’d been brought up to think that men kept their feelings to themselves but it had been liberating talking with John; he’d felt he could tell him anything. He wanted to return to that state of affairs as soon as possible but that disagreement a couple of weeks ago had stung him and made him extra wary.
“Oh Guus, you know what I’m talking about; don’t make it too difficult for me. If I can’t talk to you about these things I can’t talk to anybody, you’re my best friend.”
That was all that was needed and it was as if an invisible barrier had been removed. Guus relaxed and beamed from ear to ear and from that point on, things were back to normal.
“Wow, you did it then? And…? What happened? How did you feel? Who was it?”
“I felt okay. No, actually, more than that, I felt great. I don’t know whether I’ll ever do it again but it was such a release you know. I’ve tried it out and it was exciting and I enjoyed it but I don’t think I necessarily need to repeat it. It’s all a bit confusing actually because strangely enough, all I could think about afterwards was having a woman again. No, not Sally necessarily but just the idea of a woman. Do you think that makes me bisexual?”
”I haven’t a clue to be honest. I suppose so, at least mentally. I don’t know enough about it to make a judgement but come on, you haven’t told me yet, who was it? Where did it happen? I’m intrigued and you can take that look off your face; I’m not turned on by it, not in the slightest.”
“Promise you won’t be shocked.”
“I promise.”
“It happened through there…in the sauna.”
“Shit man, when?”
“Well, last week actually. I told you I’d fitted in a couple of early morning sessions? Well, there were only the two of us in and he kept looking you know, all the way through my work out. To be honest, I was looking as much as he was. I had no preconceived intentions; I was just admiring the way he looked. It never entered my head that there was anything about to happen. Anyway, he came here for a drink and I hit the showers, ‘cos I had to get to work. You’re sure I’m not embarrassing you? I’ll not go into the sordid details. To cut a long story short, he came in after me and…it happened.”
Guus’ mouth couldn’t have been more open. On the one hand, he had to admit he was slightly shocked, after all, it had happened just a few metres from where they were sitting now but on the other, he was full of admiration for the way John could go ahead with things in a way he could never do.
“Close your mouth, you’re catching flies. You’re horrified aren’t you? God I hope you won’t think badly of me for this.”
”Of course I don’t think badly of you, I think it must have taken real guts to do it and no I don’t really want to know the details but I would like to know who it was. Do I know him? Does he come here often?”
“That’s the funny thing, courage didn’t enter into it. It was never a question of, ‘am I brave enough to do this?’. Once the first moves had been made, I took to it like a duck to water so to speak. I don’t think I was very good though. I mean I didn’t really know what to do but the other guy was very decent about it and said he’d enjoyed himself. I didn’t even get to find out his name. He was youngish, in his thirties I think. I’ve never seen him here before and he was obviously horny but there was no mention of a repeat performance, or seeing each other again. I think it was just a one-off, a ‘quickie’ you know and was meant to be understood as just that.”
”One small problem though, what happens if you see him here again? What would you do?”
“No idea. Probably nothing. It just seemed to be pre-destined somehow; right time, right place and right circumstances. Anyway, confession time over. How are things with you? Are you surviving the diet?”
Fences well and truly mended, the two friends chatted their way through several more fruit juices before making their way to their respective homes in the light summer drizzle.
Marcel watched them leave as he arrived for his weights session. He was meeting Onno later that evening and he wanted to look his best. Pleased with the compliments he’d received about his newly toned physique, he badly wanted to maintain the image. He felt slightly guilty about the knee-jerker with the older guy who’d just left but not much. After all, he hadn’t had sex with Onno yet; in fact he hadn’t had sex with anyone for such a long while, so that quick release in the showers had been a necessary if brief and fairly uninspiring encounter. Needs must, so they say.
Guus stared, glassy-eyed at the plate his wife had placed on the table.
“Annie, I think I’m going on a diet.”
“What! Don’t talk such nonsense, you’re fine the way you are, a healthy, strapping man…wait a minute, are you trying say something about my cooking? Because if this is your mealy-mouthed way of criticising the fact that I’ve spent a long time in the kitchen, preparing you a wholesome meal, when I could have been doing something I liked doing, then I’ll throw it straight in the bin and you can prepare your own bloody food in future.”
She looked closer at Guus’ rueful expression.
“It is isn’t it? I know you take me for granted but this is a bit selfish even for you. If you think for one minute I’m going to put up with this sort of ingratitude…”
Guus picked up his knife and fork and started eating. He enjoyed his food, he really did and he enjoyed Annie’s no-frills cuisine as well but he was just getting so fat and no amount of sucking in and flexing could hide the fact. There was no alternative, he had to go on a diet and he had to start exercising. Principally, he’d been shocked to find that he could barely get into the new clothes he’d bought what seemed just a few weeks ago. There was another meeting coming up and unless he could wear the new outfit John had helped him select, well, he just couldn’t go and that was that.
Annie was still complaining on the fringes of his thoughts. He should have waited; the timing was all wrong. He’d wait till she’d calmed down and then use his trump card.
Later that evening, slumped in front of the TV, he interrupted her favourite Soap.
“I went to the doctor today.”
He paused, not sure whether he’d got her attention.
“Did you hear me? I went to the doctor.”
“Oh yes, what for?”
She was still glued to the screen.
“He thinks I may have heart problems.”
It was a blatant lie but he figured he was a candidate for heart trouble sooner or later and it was a great excuse.
“Oh Guus, is it serious?”
He had her full attention now.
“Well, it could be…unless I do something about it.”
“Why, what have you got to do?”
“Well, for a start, I’ve got to take more exercise; not just the odd walk here and there; proper exercise, you know…a gym maybe.”
“What did he say then? What’s wrong with you?”
“Oh, you know, there’s a murmur...”
Guus wasn’t sure about the details but he’d heard people talking about heart murmurs.
“…And I get palpitations.”
‘Don’t go too far,’ he warned himself, ‘you’ll get caught out.’
“That’s why I have to go on a diet as well. It’s got nothing to do with your cooking or the fact that I’m ungrateful. It’s purely on health grounds. I love your cooking, you know I do.”
”Oh my God, why didn’t you say? I feel awful now. Have you got a diet sheet then? What sort of diet has it got to be? If you give me the list, then I’ll make sure you stick to it. Maybe I should go on one too, it might do me good as well.”
Guus hadn’t got as far as thinking about what sort of diet he should have. He had to tread carefully now.
“Uhm, I’ve got to call in tomorrow and sort out the details.”
That would give him enough time to ring John and get some advice on a good dietary plan.
“Okay, you do that then and we’ll sit down with it together and work it all out.”
She stroked the back of his hand and looked concerned.
Guus loved Annie; he really did, especially when she was caring and gentle like she was now. He sat back in the chair; pleased to have manoeuvred things the way he wanted. Now the only problem was whether he could stick to the regime he’d created for himself. He’d find it difficult to back out now; especially with ‘heart problems’.
“Well it’s not a bad idea and it probably would help prevent heart trouble, so you weren’t really lying. Good for you.”
Guus had rung John at work.
“Yes but the trouble is, I have to do it now, I can’t back out. It all seemed such a good idea at the time but now I’m worried I won’t be able to see it through.”
“Guus, you want to look your best when you’re dressed up don’t you? Well, as far as I can see, you’ve got no alternative. I’ll help if I can.”
“Ah yes, well that was what I was going to ask you. Two things actually: do you know of a good diet, one I can have on paper, one that looks official?”
”Give me a little time and I’m sure I can come up with something from the Internet; shouldn’t be a problem, then I’ll print it out for you. What was the other thing?”
”Uhm, I was wondering if you would come to a fitness centre with me? I’m scared stiff of going on my own; all those super fit people, I’ll just get laughed at.”
“That’s ridiculous. What do you think gyms are for? Everybody has to start somewhere. Actually, I quite like the idea. I could do with losing some weight as well. Do you want me to find one that looks suitable for a couple of well-rounded gents such as ourselves?”
“Could you? That would be great and the sooner the better. I can’t tell you how…”
“Hold on a second Guus, I’ve got some customers…I’ll ring you back okay? This might take a while.”
Guus finished filling in the order form for new gaskets from the stores and looked at his list to see what he had to do next. He was happy enough in his work. It didn’t matter to him that he was only a purchaser for a small engineering firm, which belonged to a Dutch consortium that was, in turn, part of a large multinational. He’d had this job for over ten years now; the pay was reasonable, the hours were regular and the position was more or less permanent. He had never been particularly ambitious in the workplace and as long as he and Annie were provided for, he couldn’t see any reason to chase promotions, with all the stress and added work that entailed. In a few weeks, he was due to get an assistant; a fairly regular occurrence as the firm believed in giving potential new managers shop floor experience in as many departments as possible. The kid wouldn’t be there for long but he usually enjoyed the company and the extra help. He got up from his chair, using both arms for leverage and groaning at the cold, sticky sweatiness caused by sitting there for too long. There was no doubt that hot, summer days were a curse for the overweight.
Reaching for his flask and sandwich box on the top of the filing cabinet, he poured himself some coffee, already carefully milked and sugared and perched on the edge of the desk. He could always go to the canteen but it was two floors down and he’d always found it much more convenient to bring a mid-morning snack from home. He never lacked human contact; people were always popping in and out of his room to place or check on orders and more than once, he fantasised that he was at the centre of operations; after all, every department needed equipment of one sort or another and there wasn’t a screw or pipe that Guus wasn’t able to discuss at length. After the familiar mid-morning rumbling in his stomach, he opened his sandwich box to see what Annie had slipped in as a surprise today. He should have known Annie would have taken him seriously; there were two half sandwiches, filled with tuna and lettuce and an apple but no cake, no biscuits, no bar of chocolate. He was certain she had only put half the normal amount of sugar in his coffee as well. Shit, it was reality then! He’d dug his own grave and he’d better be prepared to lie in it. Still, until John came up with a proper diet plan, he couldn’t really be expected to start cutting back and opening the top drawer of the filing cabinet, he found the chocolate biscuits he reserved for clients and guiltily began to peel off the protective wrappings. It was as well the phone rang, or he would have finished the whole packet.
“So here we are then. Are you ready for this?”
Guus was extremely nervous. John had found what seemed to be a fairly discreet looking fitness centre in Amsterdam West; not too trendy and not too expensive, at least compared to some. Guus had been shocked at the prices but Annie had persuaded him that some sacrifices had to be made; his health was far too important to be penny-pinching.
“Oh god, what have I done?” he moaned miserably but John gave him a hearty shove and in they went. Guus’ nerves were hardly calmed when a young coloured man in vest and jogging pants approached them. To say he was muscular was understating the case, the guy was what Guus judged to be the perfect physical specimen and he felt completely intimidated.
“Hi, what can I do for you guys?”
Guus was sure his balls were retreating into their cavities as the man stood next to him. He smelled strongly of soap and cleanliness and rude health and Guus, feeling the heat of his body in close proximity, broke out into a distinctly unhygienic sweat. Fortunately, John took control of proceedings.
“Hi, I rang to arrange some sessions for me and my friend here but we’re complete beginners at this and could use a little help if that’s possible?”
“Sure, of course. That’s what we’re here for. My name is Simon and I’m the manager but you’ll also see Jack and Ilsa occasionally if I’m not around. I remember now, you’re the Canadian guy right? Okay, let’s start by sorting out the fees and then I’ll show you around and explain what the equipment does and what facilities we have.”
Guus couldn’t help admiring the way John seemed completely unfazed by the whole thing but then again, he was in considerably better condition and would have to work far less hard in order to look good. Feeling not unlike a schoolboy and more and more self-conscious, he followed the other two into the office and then into the gym itself. The very smell of the place made him shudder. If John hadn’t been there, he knew he would have made a quick get away long before now. Fortunately, there were only a few other people working out and he was relieved to see a much older man than himself struggling with some gargantuan exercise machine. At least the customers weren’t all twenty-somethings with unattainable physiques.
“Okay guys, this is the main gym. You can see all the equipment we have. I’ll explain how everything works later. We also have a sauna and showers beyond those glass doors over there and a relaxation area with a juice bar through there. Now, I should explain, we don’t just let you loose on the equipment; that would be a waste of your time and ours. First we ascertain your present level of fitness and then we design a programme to fit your needs. We don’t make judgements and we don’t pass comment. What you do and how often you come is up to you but of course, we’re here to give advice if you need it and to monitor your progress of course. Now I reckon both of you have different needs, so if you’ll come over here, we’ll start by finding out exactly how unfit you are at the moment and work from there. One thing I can say though; it’s true what they say, there’s no gain without pain but if you’ve got the will, we’ve got the way; sounds corny I know but it’s true.”
An hour or so later, the two friends sat exhausted outside a local bar both clutching mineral waters and sweating profusely.
“Well, what did you think?”
“Oh God, I’m dead, I’ve never been so tired in my life and I don’t think I’ll be able to move tomorrow.”
“It’s worth it though don’t you think? I feel knackered as well but it’s a good sort of tiredness; at least I’m tired for a reason.”
“Yeah well, you were a hundred times fitter than me to start with. I don’t think Simon has ever seen such a hopeless case as me, though he was very tactful about it.”
“Rubbish, he said he doesn’t pass judgement and I believe him. I think you’re a challenge for him. I liked him a lot; I thought he was really helpful. Anyway, you’ve got to take it slowly, you heard what he said, Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
“Yeah, I think he takes a book of clichés to bed with him every night. No, I liked him too, I think. It certainly wasn’t as bad as I’d feared.”
“Okay, twice a week to begin with then? Nice and steady.”
Guus groaned,
“Oh well, if I must, I must. I just want to wake up in six months, fifteen kilos lighter and with muscles. By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you; have you done anything yet about…you know what?”
“What? What do you mean?”
“You know…your secret desires…that?”
John blushed and unusually for him, became sheepish.
“Uh, no. I’m not sure I’m going to either. It was all a bit silly really.”
“You’re blushing and mumbling. Come on I know you, spill the beans. You’ve been thinking about it haven’t you?”
“I wish I’d never told you now. Yes, I suppose it has crossed my mind anyway, you’re unusually interested for someone who supposedly finds it disgusting.”
”Don’t try and shift the conversation onto me, you know how I feel about it personally, for myself I mean. I just think it’s about time you went and did something about it.”
“You old perv! You just want to hear the gory details afterwards.”
“Not at all, I’m just interested that’s all, nothing more and watching you struggling with yourself like this is the nearest I ever want to get to the subject.”
”And you think dressing up in women’s clothes doesn’t bring you near to the subject?”
”That’s a cheap shot John and you know it. You know the two aren’t connected. Okay if you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine, I won’t ask again.”
”I’m sorry, it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, it’s just that there’s other stuff going on at the moment and that’s the last thing on my mind.”
Guus couldn’t help being curious.
“Other stuff…?”
Yes, Sally and I have decided to live apart for a while.”
“Oh? And when did this happen? I mean I know things weren’t good between you but this all sounds a bit final.”
”I would have told you but I wasn’t sure that it was actually going to happen until yesterday. She’s moving in with a friend in The Hague; it’ll be a lot nearer her work.”
“I’m sorry, I really am but I suspected something like this was coming, from what you’ve been saying recently. Has this got anything to do with you wanting to…you know?”
“No, nothing at all. Don’t give me looks like that…really! I just don’t think we’re compatible any more. Actually, you’re partly to blame.”
“Me! What have I done?”
“Well, you know those clothes of yours? I didn’t try to hide them, I mean she knows what I do but she came across them and asked whose they were. I said they were a friend’s but I didn’t mention you by name don’t worry. As usual, she said something like, ‘Oh that’s nice, that you can help someone out like that.’ Well, I just flipped and accused her of being a doormat and a masochist and getting kicks out of being the world’s most understanding woman and it sort of deteriorated from there. I’m glad, really I am. All of a sudden, I have this burning urge to be my own man and to live my own life again. I want to be independent. I know it sounds selfish and cruel and perhaps it is but I’m really pleased it’s happened.”
“Oh.”
There was little else Guus could say but he felt worried for his friend, worried that all this was just so much bluster and that after a few days he’d greatly regret having burned his bridges like this.
“You know you’re welcome to come to Annie and me if you need us. You know that don’t you? If you need a meal, or just some company…”
“Yes, I know that and I’m grateful for the offer but I’m a big boy now Guus; I think I can manage on my own.”
Guus took the slight rebuke a little too personally.
“I only meant…. God, you know what I meant. I didn’t mean to interfere in your life. I’m just concerned for a friend that’s all. I’m sorry about the personal questions too. I don’t want to pry.”
He suddenly began to feel foolish and exposed, the way you do when you feel you’ve accidentally overstepped the mark with someone and it was his turn to blush.
“ I think I’ll go now. Annie will be expecting me anyway and there’s a tram due in a minute.”
“Hold on Guus, don’t go off in a huff, I wasn’t offended, really… don’t you want a lift?”
It was too late; Guus strode off hurriedly, trying to keep his dignity intact while John sat back, somewhat shaken, thinking that however masculine and straight-acting two men were, a close friendship was a fragile thing and so easily disrupted by unguarded words.
If it’s true that men find it hard to express their feelings to other men then John and Guus gave further evidence to the theory. Two weeks and three visits to the gym later, neither had mentioned the misunderstanding to the other, though both had been hurt by it and both remained guarded in their conversation. It was as if nothing had happened, yet suddenly there was a tiny crack in the basis of their friendship that threatened to become a canyon should one or the other say the wrong thing. Maybe it was because he was North American and could relate to his feelings more easily, or maybe it was because he felt that he’d been in the wrong but John decided to put an end to the tension. He had realised how much he valued Guus’ friendship and wanted to restore the easiness between them both as quickly as possible. He took his chance early one evening as they were sitting at the juice bar in the gym.
“I don’t know whether you want to know this or not but I’ve taken your advice and done it.”
Guus wasn’t going to let him off the hook quite so easily plus the fact that he was mortally afraid of misinterpreting things again.
“Done what?”
He thought he knew but his confidence had been shaken by their near argument. If the truth were known, he’d never been able to talk to another man the way he talked to John. With previous friends he’d never discussed the sort of personal details that came out in their conversations, or felt as close to another man. He’d been brought up to think that men kept their feelings to themselves but it had been liberating talking with John; he’d felt he could tell him anything. He wanted to return to that state of affairs as soon as possible but that disagreement a couple of weeks ago had stung him and made him extra wary.
“Oh Guus, you know what I’m talking about; don’t make it too difficult for me. If I can’t talk to you about these things I can’t talk to anybody, you’re my best friend.”
That was all that was needed and it was as if an invisible barrier had been removed. Guus relaxed and beamed from ear to ear and from that point on, things were back to normal.
“Wow, you did it then? And…? What happened? How did you feel? Who was it?”
“I felt okay. No, actually, more than that, I felt great. I don’t know whether I’ll ever do it again but it was such a release you know. I’ve tried it out and it was exciting and I enjoyed it but I don’t think I necessarily need to repeat it. It’s all a bit confusing actually because strangely enough, all I could think about afterwards was having a woman again. No, not Sally necessarily but just the idea of a woman. Do you think that makes me bisexual?”
”I haven’t a clue to be honest. I suppose so, at least mentally. I don’t know enough about it to make a judgement but come on, you haven’t told me yet, who was it? Where did it happen? I’m intrigued and you can take that look off your face; I’m not turned on by it, not in the slightest.”
“Promise you won’t be shocked.”
“I promise.”
“It happened through there…in the sauna.”
“Shit man, when?”
“Well, last week actually. I told you I’d fitted in a couple of early morning sessions? Well, there were only the two of us in and he kept looking you know, all the way through my work out. To be honest, I was looking as much as he was. I had no preconceived intentions; I was just admiring the way he looked. It never entered my head that there was anything about to happen. Anyway, he came here for a drink and I hit the showers, ‘cos I had to get to work. You’re sure I’m not embarrassing you? I’ll not go into the sordid details. To cut a long story short, he came in after me and…it happened.”
Guus’ mouth couldn’t have been more open. On the one hand, he had to admit he was slightly shocked, after all, it had happened just a few metres from where they were sitting now but on the other, he was full of admiration for the way John could go ahead with things in a way he could never do.
“Close your mouth, you’re catching flies. You’re horrified aren’t you? God I hope you won’t think badly of me for this.”
”Of course I don’t think badly of you, I think it must have taken real guts to do it and no I don’t really want to know the details but I would like to know who it was. Do I know him? Does he come here often?”
“That’s the funny thing, courage didn’t enter into it. It was never a question of, ‘am I brave enough to do this?’. Once the first moves had been made, I took to it like a duck to water so to speak. I don’t think I was very good though. I mean I didn’t really know what to do but the other guy was very decent about it and said he’d enjoyed himself. I didn’t even get to find out his name. He was youngish, in his thirties I think. I’ve never seen him here before and he was obviously horny but there was no mention of a repeat performance, or seeing each other again. I think it was just a one-off, a ‘quickie’ you know and was meant to be understood as just that.”
”One small problem though, what happens if you see him here again? What would you do?”
“No idea. Probably nothing. It just seemed to be pre-destined somehow; right time, right place and right circumstances. Anyway, confession time over. How are things with you? Are you surviving the diet?”
Fences well and truly mended, the two friends chatted their way through several more fruit juices before making their way to their respective homes in the light summer drizzle.
Marcel watched them leave as he arrived for his weights session. He was meeting Onno later that evening and he wanted to look his best. Pleased with the compliments he’d received about his newly toned physique, he badly wanted to maintain the image. He felt slightly guilty about the knee-jerker with the older guy who’d just left but not much. After all, he hadn’t had sex with Onno yet; in fact he hadn’t had sex with anyone for such a long while, so that quick release in the showers had been a necessary if brief and fairly uninspiring encounter. Needs must, so they say.
The Amsterdam Series
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13. Wil and Ruud’s victim support
14. John and Guus join the gym
